but · the · darkest · pit · in · me

I set my alarm for 2:30 PM for my nap this afternoon...the exact time Sheila called me and disengaged it. So I slept till 5. I hate it when I do that, the day feels weird now. Although I did get a lot done and I did get to talk to Sheila and I will exercise and mooch off my parents soon, maybe closing out the night with a drink with Candice or a movie with Rebekah and Chris.

Saturday May 10th Miranda Margaret Jones was born to Scott and Tracy Jones. I have a new baby niece. Although, I haven't seen her get because I've been sick...maybe my mom will take me tonight. I bought her a little stuffed camera toy it is so cute.

I got new curtains for my room. Floor length pink satin. I promise its not as disgusting as it sounds haha.

This weekend I'm going to working an outside event on Friday and Saturday for Books&Co...we're going to a fair to sell antique books! Yay!! Oh, and boy will be there.

I haven't talked about boys in a while. There are been four in and out of my life since December. Two of them have been a complete waste of time, one was great but came just at the wrong time but this new boy is cute and intelligent, but I just can't feel him out so I keep my mouth shut and just enjoy the conversation. Sigh. I'm becoming more like a boy myself these days...I've only got one thing on my mind. Haha.

I feel sick. Or maybe I'm a bit moody? A bit depressed? Not sure but its an awful feeling. I've been having pretty good days...everything feels so inadequate though. I'm not moved in fully into my new house. I need a wardrobe/dresser and a big desk. I guess I'm using this as my lazy excuse not to fully move in. What am I holding on to? I'm so agitated being at my parents house. My room is a mess...and I don't have pillows. I've been sleeping without pillows. I keep on snapping at everyone and everything, I don't really know what's wrong. And I can't bring myself to let go of anything recently. I need to get out of my mind before I ge t cabin fever.

Its getting cold and closer and closer to Halloween, although itll mostly be anti-climactic...Steph had her birthday party at our house this past Saturday and it was fun getting ready and turning into Lydia Deetz. We didn't stay long. And I feel like I want another excuse to dress up. I'm working relay again on Wednesday so it'd be a pain in the ass to have my costume on while comping in the store. Why has Halloween lost its luster? I feel abandoned by it. At least I ended up going to a Haunted House last night. It was real scary, but some of the "scarers" were douche-bags. Halloween is being a big douche-bag this year. I want to scream at it.

I am being a negative nancy...so I'll say something positive. Katy came to visit and I enjoyed that very much and I miss her alot now that she's gone again and I wish we could have stayed at Milano's longer. It was a good time. Nacho Libre is a DUMB movie. Oh yea...and I got to eat a homemade meal courtesay of the Korans! It was good. Nick and I saw The Weakerthans and they were amazing, although they DID NOT play Without Mythologies and I was a bit heartbroken by that. Driving home from Cleveland is a bitch and Red Bull gives me hang-overs.

Oh...more positives. We celebrated the kids and I's birthdays on Saturday too and I got a lot of money which I had to surrender to my mom...go figure. But, I got to play Spoons with my favorites and eat and read books to Josie and Juliana and Josie laughed so hard it filled my heart with happiness and she loves the book I got her. And I got to read Juliana the first chapter in Harry Potter in the Goblet of Fire. I also went and saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the 3rd time.

I need to MOVE OUT!

School starts back up this week.

I feel bad. I feel angry. I miss. I hate. I love. I want to talk to you again. I can't. I shouldn't. I'm irrational. I'm right. I'm lost. I'm strong. I'm neurotic. Please...let me keep my mouth shut because its just not worth it and if it was then it would come back to me.

I could use some of Josie's laughter right now.

First of all, let me describe it to you...

Around 100 years old
Dark green with purple trimmings
Slightly reminiscent of gingerbread
Many doors and large windows (one door small and thin, painted purple)
A wooden fence stained green with moss
Large backyard with a weathered stone path
A deck & a shed
4 person
$206/person
10 min. walk away from new location of Stivers
across the street from an old gorgeous church

At first we couldn't even try for it because Rebekah and I are only two and then last night one of the girls I work with at Books & Co (Micky) told me her and her boyfriend would be interested. We called. The landlord said he had a TON of apps and thinks that he had enough so he'd call us if nothing worked out. I FEEL LIKE CRYING THAT HOUSE WAS PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted it so bad. I am going to take an evening of photography today with Rebekah to cheer me up...cause I need it.

P.S. I really like Iron & Wine's new CD
P.P.S. Explosions in the Sky are opening for Smashing Pumpkins on the 11th of Oct in Columbus and I'm going!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY

I finished Running With Scissors the other day and I have moved on to rereading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Running With Scissors was a good book and I'm anxious to see the movie...although I've heard it didn't do it justice. Actually the book was really really weird...really crazy I am interested to see how they convey the doctors house. Was his life really like that!??! In November I am leading the Book Club discussion at Books & Co about the book Abundance (a novel of Marie Antoinette) by Sena Jeter Naslund and I am really excited. I signed out the book today but I won't start reading it till after Harry Potter because I want it fresh in my mind come November. In other Books & Co news: Jenna Bush (yes...W's daughter) has written a book (ung?) and is going to be coming to Books & Co. at The Greene (I work here!) in November...apparently there'll be FBI there and stuff so hmmmm I wonder if I'll work that day...

I don't think my original plan for a trip to New York City is going to work out next month (I am too broke for a plane ticket) so I've revised my plans in hopes of visiting Cleveland (to see Steph & Mike) on the 12th of October and then driving on over to Rochester to spend the weekend with Melissa and arriving back sometime on the 16th. I've already called Connie and gotten the weekend off...So during that week I've got: my birthday (8th), Smashing Pumpkins (11th), and a trip to see my friends (12-15th). I still have some kinks to work out before this can become a reality. I just told Connie I could work the morning of the 11th, which is a lie because I'll be teaching in the morning...sooo I'll have to revise that come Thursday.

It's raining :)

Today I went house hunting with Rebekah. We found some pretty intriguing places to call up and read more on...like Van Burren apts. off of Smithville and a few cute, but run down places in Southpark that have ALOT of character to them. Probably the best was this quaint one-half of a duplex in the Oregon District...it even has a private back patio area and is probably Rebekah and I's favorite feature! I could probably walk to Stivers too once it gets relocated to its new building on 5th. It IS however JUST out of the budget we wanted to be spending...so I don't know, I think we'll look more on Wednesday and tomorrow I am going to call about those places in Southpark.

I am, however apprehensive about moving out. For really ONLY one reason and I'll tell you why...My parents really really really don't want me to move out. In fact, they don't want me to move out so much that they've offered to help me with grad school IF AND ONLY IF I stay and live at home. I thought that was pretty low of them...its pretty much blackmail in my opinion. That's A LOT of money to just be throwing away, but if I'm not going to get out there and get on my own feet now when will I be?? I'll be attached to my parents all through grad school if I let them pay for anything and I figure if I really need help...won't they help me anyway? I don't know...I am really angry at them for putting me in this position. I want to move out, I make a decent amount of money now and I've been doing well responsibility wise lately. Yes, I understand I'd be saving a lot of money living at home, but I'm 22...I feel like it might be time for me to live on my own...I'm the baby, I was spoiled, I need to stop being so. I don't know.

I died my hair last night (I'm not being a very good flower child putting chemicals in my hair...). Dark Mahogany Brown. I like it a lot. I also got a ton of clothes from Value City for super cheap and they are CUTE!

My mom has been finding a lot of vintage cameras for me at garage sales so far my new collection includes...
Polaroid Automatic 103 Land Camera w/ Flash Bulb (pretty sure the film is long since out of production for this camera...)
Kodak 35mm Pony 135 w/ flash
Kodak 620mm Vigilant Junior SIX-20

so it looks like the only really usable camera is the 35mm but we'll see how things go...

hair cut tomorrow, vet visit wednesday! bye!

Well, I suppose its about time to get back into the swing of things and update once in a while. I got a job...well two actually (Stivers and Books & Co.) and the shock of going to work most of the day verses going to class kind of took its toll on my psyche. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted everyday so I wasn't doing much of anything.

Today I am turning that around. I've already done some laundry, TRIED to make a vet appointment for Tress, and I'm about to finish cleaning my room. I don't have to work at Books & Co. till 4PM and I'm kind of glad I'm working close because it'll keep me preoccupied on this lonely Saturday night. I will read Running With Scissors and drink hot tea and I think all will be well.

The window is open and an autumn breeze is moving through and I feel refreshed and ready to set up a new pace for myself that is different and productive.

Stivers has been going well. I am getting along with a lot of the fellow teachers (saw a couple of them while out at Urban Nights last night) and my students have been for the most part really great. I think I like teaching, although I'm still working on TEACHING...its hard when for the past four years of my life the photography experiences I've had is as a student...I don't know its kind of weird switching roles like that. I've been talking them into trying new things though, I got about 6 or so of them to start using the Holga and one I got to experiment with a Polaroid pinhole camera with...I am in LOVE with it and am looking into buying my own. I think with it, I'd like to finally tackle that self-portrait idea that so many have said I should try. That's another reason why I like Stivers, the atmosphere, the ability to teach its really keep me up with taking photographs. Now, I haven't been taking a lot...nothing like the amount of imagery that I produced for the past four years of my life. I've only really taken 5 rolls of 120mm in the Holga but ideas are constantly swirling through my head. I have three projects in the works that I'd like to do...
1.) Juliana (maybe eventually with me in them too)
2.) Documentary of Fairborn (starting Oct 1st)
3.) Self-portrait
I've been using the Holga only for the most part because I can't afford a light meter for my Bronica just yet and I didn't really want to go back to 35mm I am still hopelessly in love with the square, a love that can only be broken with the use of the Polaroid pinhole I fear.

Oh, and Books & Co. is pretty cool too. I know I'm going to be reading a lot and my list of books I want to read has already tripled. My co-workers are fun and for the most part I enjoy my experience there despite it being your average mundane type job. I thought I hated it for a while, but I'm beginning to change my mind. I'm beginning to change my mind about a lot of things.

I redecorated my room. I threw out a bunch of stuff I don't need and now I am going to redecorate my life and throw out a bunch of things I don't need as well.

Golly, my entries get long so I'm going to switch into abridged mode...

Megan left this morning and I am sad, but this just gives me an excuse to visit New York (New York and/or Pittsburg trip coming in October!)

Urban Nights last night was a blast. Sean Wilkinson's show was at DVAC and I was blown away by the retrospective of 40 years of his photographic career. It was nice seeing Sean and Mary again and I think we're going to do dinner soon :) I was going to buy one of Sean's photographs but instead propositioned him for a trade (way way nervous) because I thought it fit better with our relationship and he said yes...so I am excited!!

Rebekah and I are going to go house hunting soon. I want to save the money I can...by living at home, but I don't want to live at home anymore. Its a struggle but I think the benefits of living away from home are greater for my well being as a person than losing a bit of money every month...at least I hope I'm right.

Okay, I am done for now...next time it will be shorter...shorter between entries and a shorter entry.

I moved back home last night. I don't know how I feel...there is potential to be happy and content here, but I think I have to get out of this funk of not having a job lined up and especially not one in my field. I have so much to do, it makes my head spin, and yet...I waste an entire day essentially doing NOTHING. I picked out a few good quotes for the Mount St. John labels, but that's about it...nothing definite yet.

I must get in the darkroom this week scan and print off all the photographs I owe for trades that I've made. Melissa first. Soon...very soon I won't have access to a printer and once I'm finished buying my digi camera...I'll have no money left to purchase any kind of good printer. This is why I need a job. I think Barnes & Nobels is pretty much said "screw you" to me so I'm going to apply parttime at Books & Co. tomorrow in hopes that Stivers will call me soon about the adjunct position. I really want that job, but I really don't want to sit around and wait...being jobless is eating at me and I've only been jobless for three days! I guess I should chill out.

Speaking of jobs...I have to start applying to grad schools which is basically a full-time job (or so I've heard). I guess I hope that I really start getting down to business tomorrow...because not only do I have to start on this, but I should propose my class for Rosewood Art Center very very soon, then I have to post wedding pics up on my blog to show a potential client (sounds so weird using the word "client" heh), apply for jobs, buy a few choice things that I'm missing, and start thinking about working with Amy on getting a website up and running. Oh and I have the labels and book for the Mount St. John Series to worry about.

Well, I may be jobless, but I won't be without things to do!

To be happy at home I really need to gut my room. I was reading all of this fueng shui and other spiritual beliefs on spaces and environments and I really got into it. My mirror faces my bed and I can see nyself in it when I'm laying in my bed. This is bad. Its a very big mirror. Mirrors in front of your bed give you nightmares and is generally not good. Oh, and I can't see my door from my bed either because of the way my wall juts out...strike two! Of course, my bed is too big to move it anywhere really so I have a choice between butting it up against one wall or the opposite one, but it has to be in the middle of my room and can't side up against a wall which is troublesome. I don't know if I want to move my bed...maybe I'll take pics after I get my room gutted for opinions. Its kind of fun though...I think it will be once I get all the junk out of my room, then I'll be having fun and be happy. Oh, and I found out from this fueng shui book that cats apparently like to sit in places where there this really bad negative energy running underneath the ground on that spot (kind of complicated) but the good news is...Tress isn't particularly found of my bed so...yay! I hung up my wind chime today and its beautiful and wonderful and fits so perfectly...I love it. and every once in a while it'll chime very softly, just letting me know its there.

it's the little things.

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

--Lewis Carroll, from Through The Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There

(its a very interesting little poem when you think about the many meaning that could be contained in it. oh I love it when I find that child literature--especially fairy tales--has more to it than meets the eye. comments?

I've recently put the title of this poem up on my facebook underneath "religious beliefs." to me it accurately portrays my opinions on religion as a whole at this moment.)

So all 11 of my photographs are now hanging in Marianist Hall lobby and they look pretty nice and I am pleased with the outcome. I will take a picture and show you soon, hopefully. We're doing this thing at UD...an ArtHop of sorts for the residency (not sure if I mentioned it before or not) and that is, also, really exciting. August 19th. University of Dayton. Mark your calenders and be there! I think it might be really weird...everything familiar for me has left and gone away. It will be really nice to reunite with the residents though.

I am certainly getting more and more apprehensive about this coming year (and not going to school) by the minute. Soon I'll get my second interview with Barnes & Nobels, but I don't just want to be working there...Stivers in Dayton recently got a new and impressive grant from a private owner and I've contacted them, left my name, just in case they decide to reinstate the adjunct position there. I am also looking into Easterling and Lesko studios. Its not what I want to do, but I would still like to be working in my field during this coming year. Well, actually I really DO want to do the Stivers adjunct job now...I think I would enjoy it very much and I can't believe I've allowed my fears to keep me away from something that could potentially be really great for me. I know my mom would like it too, she's been shooting venom at me ever since I dropped the classes at UD for the fall about how no one is "knocking down my door."I'm aware.

Oh, speaking of no one knocking down my door...I just got another wedding job, I still have to show him samples of my artwork, but well I find weddings to be really fun again (after the horrible ordeal earlier this summer). Anyway its in the beginning of September which means I have to blow my life savings on a digital SLR camera pretty soon. Which I am more excited about than not. I mean I know its going to be a lot of money...but I'm just so excited to be getting a new camera!!

Oh, and I'm going to be ordering this pretty nice Holga package soon; I get a cool little book with it, flash gels, and well just a lot of other awesome stuff. I think in this upcoming year that I'm stuck in Dayton I will be doing a project with the Holga...I haven't decided subject matter yet, nor if it will be black and white or color, but I know I want to use the Holga for it. Soon I am going to take some photographs with the (I forget the name) camera that is a precursor to the Holga. It's Francis' and he's told me I am more than welcome to use it, even left it out for me on his dinning room table with some film. I think I'll take some photographs in his house to start...maybe in black and white, so long as Satan (really Charlie, but she hates me) cat doesn't try and murder me in the process.

I am more than excited for Stardust.

I was supposed to go with Megan to the Celtic Festival yesterday but that didn't work out and I'm sad about it. And also by the fact that no one wants to go today. I hope, I hope I get to go tomorrow I love the Celtic Fest! I only wish Megan didn't have so much work to do and could come with me, it won't be the same without her. I am disappointed about this travesty and even more disappointed about something far sillier, but I try and not let those things bother me anymore. I'm trying. Teaching myself not to care.

I think there's a lot of things that I could write about. Lots of stuff I could say, but I don't really know how to say it.

You can see the progress of my residency projects on my blogger...http://thecameracries.blogspot.com Its going better than before. I am starting to like the Mount St. John photos a bit, they have a calming spirit. The Downtown stuff is still hard, but I had better luck last week with people curiously approaching me about my camera in hand and well, I was hating the Unnoticed Details project almost completely but then I took some shorts of the inside of McGuinnes (I know that's not how its spelled) and The Deli and I felt calm, and whimsical, and good and the pictures I took looked nothing like UD. I got in a little tizzy with two of my bosses over the fact that they wanted me to stop taking photographs THIS week and since its not projected to be complete till July 20th I was dumbfounded by this. If I stopped now I would always know that I could of done better...I don't want to stop taking pictures till about 1 1/2 to 2 weeks before the 20th. Yesterday Tom and I finalized our sizes.
For the lobby:
5 40" x 60"
6 20" x 30"
For the first floor hallway:
(around) 12 17" x 25.5"
second floor:
3 to 4 51" x 76.5"
(each constructed from 9 17" x 25.5" frames)
third floor (optional):
same as first floor
fourth floor (optional):
same as second floor

I think I'll definitely have enough imagery to fill up all 4 floors (I'm not talking about extrodinary imagery here though) but the problems is...do I have enough time to print all of that? for all four hallways I'll be using the photolab's printers and I'll be sharing a 17" wide roll with Nate so I can get into the photolab any time I want, but as for the lobby pics...I'm using Shifler's 42" wide printer only and I don't have 24/7 access. I guess we'll just see how things go. Today I'm going downtown and prting to print my first 40" x 60" print. Its kind of intimadating. I need to pick which image I want to try out. I think I'll go do that now. Wish me luck.

I went downtown today to take photographs for the residency. I was really excited to be downtown and to be taking photos of people, but I ended up just being disappointed. I'm not sure if I really like cities at all, I think the country-side is more the life for me. Generally all the people in Dayton did not want their picture taken, some of them even got mean about it. I understand where they're coming from, but sometimes I just wish there wasn't such a stigma attached to photography I could of gotten some really nice shots, but instead most of them came out pretty mediocre. I even had a guy tell a girl that I was taking a picture of: "Don't trust her!" I felt awkward, weird, and out of place. Hopefully things will get better though...I think I'm going to take photos of the DVAC opening tomorrow I am hopeful about what kind of images I can get and the different atmosphere of Dayton that they will project.

On a good note I did meet Bob Schflier (sp?) in a really awesomely decorated building downtown on Main St. Bob is the man who has so generously donated his Epson 42" wide printer for Emily and I to use. And when I was talking to him today he made it perfectly clear that we probably were not even going to have to pay for it!!! He was so nice, I am so excited to work with the printer and him and very pleased I'm going to be able to print that big.

I met up with the grounds keeper at Mount St. John's on Tuesday to hike and traverse the property and learn all kinds of fun, new things!!! I think I would rather enjoy having a job like she does, she was so sweet and so knowledgeable about the property and the plants. She showed me an earthwork and how to classify different wildflowers. She had this book where you look at the flower in question and pair it up with different qualities of wildflowers to find out which one it was. I was actually really good at it. I now know which leaves are toothy, smooth, or split. :) You know I love it...She also asked me if I was adventurous and when I said sure she handed me a leaf to eat...so I did. It tasted like Juicy Fruit!!! I am really really excited to go back and just take TONS of photographs. Its such a beautiful, tranquil place...I could get lost there forever. I haven't been really religious in years, but the place definitely has a spiritual quality to it. It's wonderful. Oh, and they have beehives! Fun.

On Wednesday we went to Yellow Springs and helped with the Potter's Co-Op in making a mosaic for the front of their building. I had too much fun smashing up tiles. I did a little bit of placement and grouting (still have grout on my hand to prove it) too. We took a long break for lunch and we stumbled upon this cute little store where this guy makes his own screen prints and puts them on shirts and dresses. Immediately when I stepped in there I thought of Katy (so many birds) and I really wanted to buy...well, all of it, but I think I'll wait for the Street Fair this Sat. with Nick and Emily.

I was very tired this morning so I think I should try to get a little bit more sleep than usual. Maybe I'll read a chapter in Eleanor Rigby (new book I'm reading by Douglas Coupland). Tomorrow is a critique and more budgeting (one of my projects is costing over a thousand!)